I have a lot of love for the classic 'Universal Monsters' films. They were hard to come by when I was growing up, other than the occasional broadcast on AMC (back in the days when AMC was a classic film channel). I learned most of what I knew about the Universal Monsters from the various horror movie books I delved into at the library. I was fascinated to learn how the various movies were linked not only by studio, directors and stars, but that characters and plots would be revisited in different titles. The Universal Monsters have a real claim at being the 'first' of what we now call 'Cinematic Universes'.
But today's Cinematic Universes are constantly trying to be like the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which is an action-adventure film franchise, not a horror-based one at all. For that reason, it was extremely wrong-headed to ever think an action film franchise could be made out of the Universal Monsters. In fact, The Mummy was the third attempt at this, following Van Helsing (2004) and Dracula Untold (2014), neither of which I've seen. What's truly surprising is that Universal had barely any interest in making their successful action-adventure Mummy films starring Brendan Fraser into a franchise (outside of the Scorpion King spin-off).
Anyway, I'm going to sit down and watch The Mummy now and pause it as I go so that I can write down commentary here. I think it might be interesting to write my reactions as I delve into it. I'm not expecting much from the film, being as it was an enormous failure, but perhaps it will be unintentionally hilarious. I'll see...
0:00:30 - So far, so good! Since Universal introduced their present logo about 15 years ago, I've considered it the best one in the film biz.
0:00:45 - ...And then the 'Dark Universe' logo appears, spinning around the Earth from the opposite direction of the Universal logo. I guess that's conceptually a natural fit.
0:07:35 - So a tunnel being dug under London discovers an old burial chamber. Russell Crowe shows up and feels compelled to start narrating the story of Ahmanet, daughter of the pharaoh (in a version of Egypt where the landscape is nothing but sand. did you know they have nothing but sand in Egypt? It's true! movies told me so), who makes a pact with Set to murder her family so she can be pharoah. Some guards defeat her with blowgun darts then, according to Crowe, "Ahmanet was mummified alive." But, like, not really... I mean, they wrap her up in mummy bandages but they don't take out her internal organs or anything like that... it would be more accurate to say "Ahmanet was buried alive."
0:08:16 - 'The Mummy' title finally appears on screen!
0:09:05 - Tom Cruise enters. In the past I wouldn't have called myself a fan of Cruise, but the one-two punch of Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (2011) and Edge of Tomorrow (2014) made me a fan of his recent pictures. He's become someone whose films I make a point of watching on airline flights and getting him to be in The Mummy feels like a big deal for Universal - like, in terms of actors not already tied up in a Cinematic Universe franchise, he is probably the biggest name alive.
0:09:35 - So I guess Cruise and his friend are soldiers in Iraq trying to steal precious materials during their downtime? So someone else watched Three Kings (1999), I guess.
0:11:46 - Okay, Cruise's character is named Nick and his friend is called Vail. After several minutes now of Vail yelling non-stop, I am compelled to remember this movie was made by the same minds behind those obnoxious Transformers (2007) films.
0:12:11 - The movie seems to assume we already like these characters and care about whether they live or die, but we've known them only 4 minutes! It is staggering to see that what George Stevens could accomplish in 1939's Gunga Din - broadly sketched characters whose rivalries and banter is quickly established and made endearing - is so leaden when attempted today. I don't like these characters yet, movie. I am not at a point where someone yelling "We're gonna die!" for 30 seconds straight produces a chuckle.
0:13:13 - An explosion caused by an airstrike which Vail called upon the town unearths the same tomb which these two dunderheads were looking for. Buy a lottery ticket now, Nick.
0:14:34 - Nick and Vail's superior officer shows up and demonstrates that he knows exactly what the two of them are up to, but reveals what he knows in the form of exposition for us in the audience. Again, leaden.
0:15:49 - So a woman named Jennifer shows up and quickly exposits how she and Nick had a one-night stand, then he stole a map from her. They seem to be trying to play Nick as a rougish Indiana Jones-type, but even though Cruise is a very charismatic actor, none of his dialogue projects 'rogue'. More like 'snake'.
0:16:15 - So it seems this Egyptian tomb in Iraq is what Jennifer was looking for all along and she demands the US military provide cover while she performs an archaeological dig. How... how did she ever imagine she'd get at this buried tomb when the town was occupied by insurgents? I mean, she wouldn't have even imagined she'd get into the town, right? She doesn't have the staff or equipment to operate a dig which would take months or years to complete? Like, wouldn't this be a 'bucket list' goal maybe some century down the road when Iraq is less volatile? I don't think the US military provides security for archaeological digs.
0:16:49 - Having demonstrated he's aware that Nick goes around stealing priceless artifacts, Nick's superior officer punishes Nick by sending him into the tomb with Jennifer where all the priceless artifacts are. I can't even conceive how this might go sideways.
0:20:15 - Jennifer provides all kinds of running commentary as she explores the tomb, not even pausing to look things up and compare them. Like, she knows her Egyptian lore so well she can stare at a dead body, note what he's wearing, and determine what kind of priest he is and where in Egypt he's from. Uncanny.
0:22:23 - Nick uses his gun to blast the rope which keeps the sarcophagus held within a pool of mercury, using some kind of chain-pulley system. No idea how ropes could endure for thousands of years of rot or interference from local wildlife. Or the chains, for that matter, which would also degrade (or at least rust up) over time.
0:25:43 - So they use a military helicopter to get the sarcophagus out of the tomb, then just fly it alongside their convoy. I don't get it... why not load it into a truck?
0:27:31 - They load the sarcophagus into a military plane and take off for... not sure where. Meanwhile, Nick gazes at Jennifer's bare midriff in a manner meant to remind us of Transformers, I guess.
0:33:37 - The effects for the airplane in freefall were pretty good.
0:42:00 - Jennifer goes on a long bout of exposition to Nick, explaining who Ahmanet is and what the Dagger of Set is, even though we in the audience already know. I mean, now Nick knows, I guess. Maybe those revelations should have waited until this point in the picture?
0:43:25 - Oh, man. The undead image of Vail keeps appearing to Nick and telling him he's cursed and yes, apparently the Universal Monsters library wasn't deep enough, 'cause they're riffing on John Landis' An American Werewolf in London (1981). Worse, I think the filmmakers thought these scenes would be funny, the way the similar scenes in Landis' film were.
0:51:00 - So the place where the plane crashed is remarkably close to where the Dagger of Set was hidden. I guess I'm okay with that, since the occult forces which downed the plane could've chosen that place on purpose.
0:51:49 - I am surprisingly down for these action scenes of Nick beating up walking corpses, with his fists and feet constantly going right through his opponents. A better film could have mined this for Army of Darkness (1992)-style humour.
0:52:10 - Ahmanet strikes Jennifer with sufficient force to smash her into a pew several feet away and shatter the wood, yet Jennifer has no problem jogging out of the church and cemetery in the next scene. Are we sure she isn't supernatural too?
0:52:42 - "You saw that, right?" "I can't unsee it!" With different delivery/editing, could have been a laugh line. Instead it just hangs there.
0:53:00 - Oh, for the love of cheeseburgers, they actually exposit how the dagger got into the reliquary. I am paying attention! I am not an imbecile! Please be more smart, movie! At least it confirms the plane crashed there on purpose, as I suggested.
0:54:29 - Having just realized that Nick is under the sway of Ahmanet and has been driving in a circle without knowing it, why doesn't Jennifer take the wheel of the getaway ambulance? Does she do anything besides recap the plot?
0:55:13 - More great stunt work with Nick falling out of the ambulance as it rolls down a hill. It belongs in a museum! -- I mean, a better film.
0:57:33 - Oh, a gill-man hand... Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) reference, I guess. Hey, did you know Universal passed up a Creature remake by Guillermo del Toro, so instead he made the Academy Award-winning movie The Shape of Water (2017)? ...Just thought I'd mention it.
0:57:39 - Nick sees a skull with fangs. Vampire skull? S'funny, I've been a Buffy fan for so long, I'd all but forgotten that in Universal Monsters films the vampires always leave skeletons.
0:59:08 - Crowe finally identifies himself as Dr. Heny Jekyll, which he pronounces as "Jeck-ull" the way I do, but apparently Robert Louis Stevenson meant it to be "Jeek-ull", as in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931).
0:59:30 - "I would like to tell you a story." Oh, for the love of... show, don't tell, please? Movie?
1:01:07 - Jekyll identifies his organization as 'Prodigium'. One of the failings of Cinematic Universes is their need to have a SHIELD-type organization as a means by which the team of heroes are assembled and outfitted with their equipment. The DC and Godzilla films likewise felt the need to invent their own SHIELD-type groups, but it only highlights how badly they're trying to imitate what Marvel has done rather than chart their own path.
1:03:27 - Ahmanet starts going over her motivation and although it's all things we already know, the film feels the need to show us the scenes again. Sigh. I guess a better question is... what does she want now? I mean, originally she wanted to be queen of Egypt. Her kingdom's gone, so... present motivation?
1:09:10 - "Welcome to a new world of gods and monsters" says Jekyll, quoting Bride of Frankenstein (1935), the most highly-regarded of all the Universal Monsters films. Maybe don't remind people of a great movie in the middle of your lousy flick?
1:14:00 - So Prodigium is coming off as just the worst, what with half their agents becoming pawns of Ahmanet while Jekyll loses control of his Hyde persona at the same time. Do none of these people have blowgun darts?
1:32:35 - I don't know why I'm astonished that at the height of the drama when Nick has seemingly gone over to the side of evil and stabbed himself with the dagger, then sees Jennifer's dead form, the film thinks it needs to flash back again to Jennifer saying she thinks Nick is a good man. Hey, dumb audience member, we don't trust you to know how Nick feels about Jennifer, so permit us to bludgeon you! All of this exposition and flashbacks underly a lack of confidence on the part of the filmmakers.
1:32:45 - Oh, flibbertigibbet, they throw in a flashback of Jeykll telling Nick he could save the world. Why not let the actors emote and inhabit their characters instead of this blunt tomfoolery?
1:33:17 - Y'know, it's one thing for Ahmanet to take out her victims by kissing them to death, it plays really, really badly when Nick uses that same power to hold a woman down and smother the life out of her through intimate contact.
1:39:00 - Okay, the movie is over, but there's still 11 minutes of runtime left? How?
Oh, my goodness. That was it. 11 minutes of closing credits. At least a lot of people got paid!
In the end, what was this film? It doesn't try to be atmospheric, to evoke terror, to be a horror film... but it also fails at being an action-adventure film because the fantastic stunts and effects are surrounded by dull dialogue and flat characters. This thing needed whimsy... it needed likeable characters. It amazes me that Christopher McQuarrie wrote this screenplay as he's normally very good at writing for Cruise--then again, there are six credited writers, so maybe he didn't get to do much.
It's not hard to see why this film failed. I mean, who, upon leaving the cinema, would have run out and told a friend, "hey, you've gotta see The Mummy!" The film lacks even one single standout scene which would get people talking. None of the dialogue is quotable. Overall, I feel embarrassed for the people who put effort into fabricating such a lifeless, empty husk.
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